Celebrities Exposed: The Hamburglar

April 24, 2008

This is Peter Kulowski. He was the Chief Operating Officer for an adhesives manufacturer in the mid to late 70s. In 1983, Peter found himself in a world wind of scandal. He was signing checks over to his own personal offshore banking account, thus causing the company to file bankruptcy. This white collar crime would have gone on un-noticed if he hadn’t charged a McDonalds Hamburger to his corporate card without authorization. When his peers probed deeper into the issue, they found a large amount of convicting evidence. Ever since that fall day of 1983, Paul was unable to forgive the McDonalds Corporation.


As soon as Mr. Kulowski settled into his federal prison cell, he started hitting the weights and learning the ways of a thief. He spent endless nights picking the brains of common criminals and murderers. As his muscles were shaping up, and his mind was being sharpening, he knew he was ready. In the wee hours of the night in 1985, he had a dream. In this dream he was a robber amongst a hamburgerpatch (much like a cabbage patch, only with hamburgers). Immediately, he awoke, and straight from his heart to his fingertips he drew a rendering of his disguise. It was a drawing of his current prison uniform, a red cape from the local D&D shop, and a Carman Sandiego hat in the color black. The rest is really history.


Mr. Kulowski, a.k.a. the Hamburglar, doesn’t ask for sympathy from “nobody”. He sticks to the simplicities of life: Hamburgers and Ronald McDonald. As time has gone on, Peter mainly just mutters the words “robble robble” incoherently. The irony of it all is that he has really grown to love and respect that damned clown, Ronald. Who would have thought a Jewish man with his hair dyed red could protect his Hamburgerpatch so well?


And so goes the tail of the Hamburglar.



  1. is this true?

  2. hopefully

  3. On a somewhat unrelated note, my friend and I seriously considered dressing up like the Hamburglar, going to McDonalds, and stealing people’s lunches. The image of it all in my head still makes me smile.

    I say this all only because I think someone who reads Josh’s blog, Josh obviously included, would have the balls to follow through on this and, most likely, take pictures.

  4. haha, I am totally down. Do you have your own blog, nathan? I need to read about your world, my friend.

  5. It’s so melodramatic, Josh. It’s a painfully dull season in my life right now.

  6. well never the less, consider yourself blogrolled, pal!

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